Thoughts of a clumsy Girl

I'm sitting here in my bed, which is new made, new location in the room. I spent all day cleaning it. Getting rid of bad energy, bad memories, really getting rid of the memories of bubba. Well of course he comes home tonight. Of all nights. And he is all lovey dovey all over me, and now he is sleeping in my new bed. In my new room, totally ruining the whole point. And he smells, and he is snoring like crazy. The thing is that I keep thinking about Maz. I think that the first time around we couldn't be oh shit I can't discuss this now with bubba here next to me playing with himself. oh no. Tomorrow.

My relationship, well honestly its a sinking ship. I had this dream the other night, it was really bizzare I guess you could say. I was on the titanic and it was spring break, so kids everywhere, drinking, sex, blablabla. Well of course the ship starts to sink, so I do this crazy spy thing where I steal a car rig it to turn into a boat and I drive off the ship, only to realize I left my love behind. So I turn around, and my car is actually a mini van, and I get back on the ship to save him. But its too late and we both drown.  Now having the first sentance being said I just realize what was going on. What this dream should be telling me. That my relationship is sinking and if I don't jump ship and save myself, I will drown.

Here is the tricky part. I'm so lost. Lost because my emotions are gone. I have stored them away in the box that holds all the stuff from my romantic life. I don't feel. I don't feel mostly so that when it does come time to die... aka the relationship to end, I will feel no pain. Because at this point I can't handle any more pain. I see my life, I dream about my future. My future husband, the life I will live, the kids I will have and the truth is that the man I'm with now... he isn't in that dream. He isn't in any of my future thoughts. I just keep thinking I can't wait for the time when I won't be stuck in this situation so I can love again. For when someone can actually be in bed with me watching me sleep, holding me close, smelling my hair and thinking how lucky am I.

The confusing part is that I'm in bed, waiting like a dog for their master to come home. Listening for the turn of the key, the lock opening and the door allowing him entrance to my home by his own hand. I miss him but at the same time I don't know how to miss him because the him I'm missing is so long ago, I'm not sure that he was every really there or just something I created in my head.  I want to be in love, I want the romance the feelings that go along with it. I want it all... and I know what I have to do to get it the question is am I strong enough to be alone for that long. But the truth is if things keep up any much longer... it will be that way, only I won't have been the one to choose that fate.

So bubba's not here tonight. He couldn't find parking, and well I didn't save it for him. I felt bad but honestly I mean, he usually comes home after like 9ish. Only tonight he got home around 12.... midnight and well yeah parking for the visitors was well gone. I feel bad but he didn't seem too upset over it. I don't know whats going on with him but it feels weird not having him here. I wanted to cuddle tonight. I shaved my legs and everything but usually when I want to do something... yeah he uh really doesn't.

New revilation.. I miss bubba actually. Damn this might be harder than I thought... I'll just go dream of my fake brad now. Which I told alaina all about my dreams, the ones that are like soap operas that I have been living the last couple of nights... she .... says I'm crazy.... crazier than she is... this is bad.

Bubba has sort of moved in. Hes been here for almost three weeks now and the thing is that, having him here is no better than not having him here. I don't love him anymore. I'm watching the wedding date now on tv and well even if it is a cheesy movie I still love it. I feel guilty because I've been having this fantasy going on in my head. Of this guy name brad. Well really brad is not a real person. I made him up. Him, all his money, his personality, looks, job. Well I'm sure that there is actually a brad out there. Maybe not ALL in one package, but there is certainly one that comes close. In my fantasy well the timing is totally off but, its not real right so whatever. Anywho... back to the real world and the situation at hand...

I am not in love with bubba anymore. We don't sleep in the same bed, I don't notice if he is or isn't there. Yesterday was our first snow day.  He was home all day, I was home all day, and you know what we did. Well we hardly spoke to one another. He laid on my couch and watched some stupid show all day, I ended up sleeping for part of it because at like 4am he crawled into bed woke me up with his snoring and I got out of bed and watched tv. Then at night I was in my room while he was on the couch.  I mean we haven't had sex in over two months, and well honestly I can't even think about trying to have sex with him now. I don't even feel comfortable walking around in my underware anymore. And we kiss like when he leaves or comes home. and its like a peck like I give my mom or dad. Our relationship isn't real anymore but I don't want him to leave and to go back to seeing no one during the day. I enjoy having someone here but I also want to date. I want a non-roommate roommate.  Make sense?  But I don't know what to do. I honestly can't stand him any more. I haven't said much to him, and I ceratinly don't want to what progress the relationship... yeah right...  I'm done with bubba and this time I mean it I feel empty alone, and loosing him, doesn't upset me. It sort of makes me happy.  But thats what I have made up in my head. I mean when I have to end it I will but until then to simply co-exhisit will be fine. for now.

My brother joined the Air force this week.  And of course it brought back some memories for me.  I called Larry today. For the first time in I don't even know how long, a year? And I was talking to him and he just knew, he was like you sound like you have a question.  It was awkard because I don't call him hardly ever. Well ever lets say that.  That part of my life is in the past. And the thing is that its going to stay there. We are different people now.

I live with my boyfriend. The one that is like a child rather than a man. I'm falling for him all over again but at the same time, Im not sure anymore. I'm having problems with my father, seeing as he isn't really a father and I miss having someone there that was always there for me. Who knew me, the actual me. Larry knew me, and sometimes I still think he does. Bubba, he doesn't care to know me, the real me, the one that is deep down in my soul. He just knows the normal me, nothing too special.

I miss my old life but I have to deal with this new one.

Ok so this past wednesday was my birthday. YAY right? WRONG. I drove back to winchester to see my mother. Frankly it was so I wouldn't have to eat whatever I had in my fridge and be by myself again.  Just having someone there for my birthday was important to me, and with bubba being all AWOL, I just couldn't take the risk and I certainly didn't want to spend it with someone like Maz or some other guy that really really wants to be my friend.

So I had dinner with my mom that was nice. Then I called my dad and told him I was going to come and see him and he was like "what for". Nice dad nice.  Things with the father have been getting pretty bad. Honestly I'm just starting to loose all hope and trust in men because honestly how can I not surround myself with loosers and constant disappointments. Hellllloooo look at my father figure.

That well kind of killed the day that was actually my birthday. So I was looking forward to having my girls come up and spend thursday and friday with me.

Yeah.... that was sort of a disaster. First I didn't get my money so I didn't have any. Two Alex was just as stingy as ever, thank god for alaina. Thursday was ok, but friday was Terrible.  We all got drunk and ready to go, that part was fun. Then we went to the Adams morgan place. I face planted into the road, and really tore up my knee. And it still really hurts and could be infected still bla.  Well then we get to this club that I was super excited to go to. Chloe. Yeah, lets list the people who were there, me, alex, alaina, a girl bar tender, a boy bartender, coat check girl, bouncer guy, and two random gay guys.  Thats it.  I'm really drunk at this point, so I'm just siting on a seat, drinking water and what not. Alex says something about the bar tender being cute, and I agree. Well aparently this was her calling dibs on this guy. Who she talked to for less than 5 min.  Then he starts hitting on Alaina, she of course asks if he was gay, he proceeds to kiss her and all hell  breaks loose. Alex is PISSED that she went after her man. She clearly said he was cute and that she wanted him. Uh the only straight guy in the place and she calls dibs. Yeah haha. Well then alaina makes it worse by talking about how its not a big deal bla bla bla. We end up getting into some cab, where alex is acting like a little child. Alaina is hitting on the cabbie and kissing him so we can get out of paying the fee and I'm... really drunk.

We end up at Lotus.. in which we were the only white people there. Drunk as I am, I start crying because Alex and Alaina are still carrying on. This continues all night. I can't walk because there is shit everywhere on the floor I keep falling over, and I can't dance super drunk AND in the super high heels they made me wear. So I sit down and start crying again. Then Alex and Alaina say theya re going to get along it is my birthday after all and really the whole situation got out of control because alex was acting like she was 5 honestly.

We decide to leave, can;'t find the metro, get there, end up making a scene with the yelling and screaming. Some bitch yells at me saying its not Alaina's fault all the guys go after her because she is pretty and I'm not. We end up on different metro train cars, and are silent the rest of the way after we get back into the car.

Alaina leaves the next morning and leaves me to hang with Alex for the rest of the weekend. Of course it was sooooo much fun. She kept stealing my computer every 5 minutes and had to be entertained the entire time. Oh and I didn't talk to my boyfriend the whole weekend. And really haven't seen him since monday night when he came over and talked to me in the car for like half and hour.

Yeah... this was certainly a birthday I'll NEVER forget... unfortunatly it was not in a good way.
 

OK so one, I just started a wordpress blog, one that won't feature my most personal details.

On another note, I had to comment on this stupid boy before I go to bed. Just needed to get it off my chest. He has been sick this week... bla bla bla, apparently he is sick EVERY week. And then he gets mad at me when I don't believe him. The thing is that honeslty I don't, there have been too many shady times when things just don't add up.  And it doesn't help that when he talks to people like his mom, sister, best friends, roommates, anyone he has in his life, he lies to them. Especially when he was supposed to do something or be somewhere. He thinks that it makes it ok, that the people he is lying to won't be as mad, as if he just told them the truth, he was tired, went to sleep, was drinking with his roommates or other people. Had to drive someone god knows where. He just thinks that coming up with I was sick, or was talking to my sister, or mom, or fell asleep will make it all  better. The thing is I've seen him lie to to many people for me to belive him when he suddenly doesn't come over when he says he will. Or that he lost his phone but a week later has it back again. Or that he was deathly sick all week when the week before that he was just as sick though when I saw him he wasn't. And god if your that sick, you dont' smoke, it will make it worse.

And no I certainly don't believe you when you say you can barely make it to work much less drive 4 stop lights to see your girlfriend because your so sick, but then find out you can drive to Front Royal like you have done every freaking weekend. Yeah your really freaking sick. He doesn't get it at all. I'm pissed, beyond something that can be fixed in a week.

So that damn loser texts me tonight saying hey. So I don't respond which suprisingly wasn't AS hard as I thought it would be. I just looked up stuff online about wordpress and the hours ticked away. Thats when I got another message. saying "I just wanted to say how beautiful you are" haha the thing is I might belive him if uh oh yeah thats right I don't have people every freaking day telling me how beautiful I am. Boys and girls. That coming from my so called boyfriend isn't anything. He doesn't get it. He gets the right, and the responsiblity to do things that not every freaking joe on the street can do. Like oh yeah take me out, spend the night at my house, hang out with just me. Love me. Touch me whenever he wants. GOD have SEX with me. And tell me I'm beautiful every day, not just once every 6 months. He doesn't get it and I'm over the breaking point now. Talking to him once a week, and seeing him every two weeks, yeah I'm over that bullshit. I can do so much better and he just isn't doing the boyfriend job. I'm doing my girlfriend duties, but its hard to actually do them when your damn boyfriend won't call you back. Or give you the time of day to cook him dinner or anything else he may want me to do. He doesn't ask anything from me and I think so I won't ask anything form him but thats not how a relationship works.

I give a lot into our relationship because I want to get alot out of it. I want presents, and dinner cooked for me. And rocks thrown at my window just so he can sing me a love song in the middle of the night. I can ask for this from him because its not like it only happens in fairytale movies. Its actually happened to me just from another guy. One that was nice and the perfect guy just not for me. Any girl would be lucky to have him. He goes above and beyond for me, and he knows there is no chance but he keeps hope alive. I just wish bubba could just once see that I am worth loosing your mind over. Dropping everything because I matter and I'm the center of the world. He was the center of mine but he has broken and crushed it so many times, there is no way it can ever go back. I wanted to I tried to but he didn't and I can't carry us any longer.

I told him yesterday that I was done and apparently he doesn't get it, that I'm actually done at this point, I can't do it any longer.
Whatever love I had for him, is barely a glow at this point and he isnt; doing enough to keep it burning, but he certainly seems to be snuffing it out, at an alarming rate.

The sad part is, he doesn't get it. I'm walking and this time, I'm not coming back. I've got people to lean on this time. Friends that are there for me, and I talk to everyday. Theya re there now and I don't need him and his sickness and crappy life anymore. I can now return to the hard worker, overachiver that I once was. I don't have to down play my efforts and I can stop trying to outshine him. Now I can glow freely.

Goodbye bubba. Goodbye crappy life. Goodbye horrible future and Hello to a brand new day, in a brand new world, with brand new possiblities.

Peace and love friends

I want my boyfriend. He lost his damn phone so I can't get a hold of him, and he hasn't bothered to get a hold of me and it makes me mad. I would just love someone to sleep with jeeze.. well not just anyone but my osmoen. I wnat him.

So I'm going to post this here until I get it right, because I'm not sure how to say this and make it say what I want it to.

To me, love is something that is worth the experience of life.  People have different theories on why we were put onto this earth. But to me, its to find that special someone and share the rest of your life with them.  I think thats why this whole bubba thing is so hard. Because, I want to find my soul mate. Its like the goal in my life, if I have that person all will be fine. And I know most people don't even think this way but I do.  I cry when love is lost, someone dies, the person doesn't return the affection. I see weddings on tv and I cry. Its just a very emotional thing for me to watch how intense other peoples love for each other are.

Ever since I was little, it has been a priority, and I don't fall in love with just anyone but when I do I'm good and gone, for a while. thats why when my parents split, it was really hard because I believed in that love, I don't believe in god so its kind of my own religion. I pray to the gods for people based on their efffection for other people, friends or lovers.

I need to ponder this some more before I post it where everyone can read it.

so as it turns out, I posted a blog on the myspace. Mostly because I forgot that I stopped posting there. You know there I know people read what I write, and mostly its because myspace has this thing that tells people when someone posted something. And the surprising thingis that I went and reread the blog post that is getting attention, and its good writing. It doesn't soud to winny or pitty me pitty me but it sounds good. Strong, definate.

Bubba came over today and we talked about our issues. He seemed to get it but he is on the last straw. I don't want to give up on him but honeslty he is getting one more chance, because maybe this time he will see that I'm serious. I will leave. I'm ready when the time comes, and one more screw up, and I'm gone.  No ifs ands or buts.